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Well I decided to stay home this weekend. Well let me rephrase... He said that he wanted to be alone for a while because he wasnt very good company and that he wanted some time to be by himself to think.
I can understand that. He is really having a harder time with his dad being in the hospital than he wants to admit, and of course he's so prideful and old fashioned that he feels like showing any emotion automatically demotes him from 'big strong man' to 'pansy who actually has a heart'. So the fact that he wants to be alone doesnt bother me at all. Everyone deals with things differently, and I react in the same way to some sittiuations. What bothers me is seeing him like that, knowing that he is hurting and wont talk about it, and that despite what he may try and say he needs me and i'm 2 hours away and not able to do anything about it. I want to be there for him, even if only to lay there on the couch with him not saying a word just letting him know that I'm there and that I care. I live and breathe this man, I never understood what it meant to say that a man can complte you but when we are apart I feel like a piece of me is missing. Things seem worse than they really are. But when he's by my side I feel whole again, everything just seems to "fit". I realize that many people probably think thats awful, for me to be so wrapped up in him. And sometimes I honestly try to stop myself from thinking/talking about him so much, and I try to keep busy so that my entire life doesnt revolve around him. But its virtually impossible. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, he's on my mind almost all day, and he's the last thing that crosses my mind when I'm falling asleep. But I'm happy, yes everyone my head is shoved up so far up my boyfriends ass that you can barely see my pretty red toenails and I dont care because for the first time in my life I'm finally truly happy and I have no intentions of losing that! Written on 2004-05-12 @ 12:06 p.m. |