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Well its Wednsday night, right about now he's probably on his way to Waco with his boss. He said that he would be gone for the next 3 nights, and would get up and return Saturday morning.
He was supposed to return to me sitting on his couch looking cute in a new black dress that I bought, after getting up at 7 a.m. so that I could get ready and look fabulous for all of his friends. Leaving by 9 so that I had enough time to swing by the apartment complex and put a downpayment on the new apartment that I'm getting because I have such a desire to be near him and for this relationship to work, and still be at his house by noon. So that I could ride with him to his gospel concert and sit in the audience staring up at him with eyes filled with love and admiration and utter devotion. Thus was the plan for this Saturday. He was supposed to call me Monday night after finishing up with his practice and give me the final details on time so that I knew for sure what time I needed to be down there by. But naturally monday night came and went without a word. Followed by Tuesday night where I tried calling him only to be "cleared" and not called back. (should I have expected anything else?) Tonight was much the same, a call 2 rings and a very abrupt transfer to a voicemail. Now he's out of town or at least he should be anyway. I have no idea what time I'm supposed to be there saturday, no idea if he even wants me to go anymore. I'm sure that I'm over reacting to the situation. I know how busy he is, maybe he just hasnt had time to call. It wouldnt be the first time that its happened thats for sure. But I cant help but analyze it all. I keep thinking about everything wondering if I did or said something. When we are in the same town everything is perfect. He calls when he gets off work and tells me he'll be there to pick me up at a certain time. And when we are together its so comfortable. Conversation isnt usually forced, and he's someone that I can just lay in the couch with for hours watching a movie and never saying a word to. When I'm with him I feel safe and secure, I feel like I'm special and important. Like for the firs time I'm not some sex object I'm someone that deserves to be cared about and someone who was lucky enough to be loved by him. When we lay there I can see us there forever, growing old and spending our entire lives together. But its like when I come back to Longview its a completly different relationship. Suddenly I have to call him 2 or 3 times a night just to get a response, or when I dont want to be a pest I wait 3 or 4 days at a time to hear from him. When I do finally hear from him he seems stressed and preoccupied, usually just talking to me about his day at owrk or his dads newest development etc. Thats part of the reason I'm ready to be near him. I'm hoping with all of my heart that its the distance thats being so hard on us and that with that gone it will be like it usually is when I'm in town. If it can go to that we will almost definantly make it until forever... But I cant take much more of this. I feel bad for being unhappy... He's all that I wanted for 2 years. This is exactly what I asked and prayed for. And when you think about it so many people arent even near as lucky as me... So why despite all of that do I feel so neglected? why do I still lay in bed at night and wonder if he cares about me as much as I do him... Why do I lay there alone and wonder if he even thinks of me, or why he's been acting the way that he is. I try so hard to be understanding. I know how much he has on his plate. He's starting 2 new things all at once, and now his dad is in bad health. I know that he doesnt have the time that he needs to pay attention to me. And I also know that he's aware of this. He has told me that he knows how unfair he's being to me, and how he wishes that he could do something about it but he cant... But how long can I ignore the fact that I'm being ignored??? Written on 2004-06-22 @ 8:58 p.m. |