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As usual its been a rocky week in the world of my relationship.
We were fine all weekend. Saw spiderman2 on friday, went to his concert on saturday then back to his house for a movie, and I saw him monday night for about 20 minutes when he got back home from Rosebud. But naturally I had to come home at some point... Now I've had 1 conversation with him in the past week, which lasted 19 minutes and was mostly all about whats going on in his life at work and the problems that they are having up there. I thought that he was planning on coming down here this weekend but obviouslly not, he ended up going to rosebud with his dad. He promised to call me on his way out of town but of course I havent heard from him in 4 days. I hate it when he does this. Because it always leaves me questioning every little detail of the weekend trying to figure out if I messed up somewhere. Maybe I said something wrong, or maybe I pushed too far when we fooled around on saturday, maybe i said the wrong thing when I visited his mother at the college, and maybe he's just getting tired of having to have a commitment. I hate how there seems to be this steel wall that goes up when I come home. We can seem to be so perfect and happy when we are together, but as soon as I get home its like a completely different relationship. I love him, I cant imagine my life without him in it, this is the man that I could wake up next to every single morning and still think that I'm the luckiest person in the world for finding someone like him... And by all accounts he feels the same way about me. He's even told my mom that he's planning on asking me to marry him before the years up. But when I'm at home I start thinking other things. I start wondering if I'm an idiot for staying here. Most women would have walked away a long time ago. Not many people would just quietly sit by and let themselves be walked over the way that I do. But then again most people wouldnt wait 2 years on a man even when everyone else said it would never happen. When we are together its almost too perfect. He's everything that I've ever wanted in a guy, when I'm laying there on the couch with him its easy to see what I waited those 2 years for. All I've ever wanted was someone that would hold me, someone that would want to be with me for me rather than for sex, someone that I felt comfortable and safe with, someone who wasnt going to just up and run away after a while... Maybe I should just stop being so frustrated and paranoid... I've got something that not many other people have, and I've got a respectable guy that cares about me and respects me and loves my family. So why am I so frustrated? Maybe it will be better when I move down there on August 11th. Maybe when I'm down there on a permanent basis things will get more like usually are when I'm there. Sometimes I feel like I am the most boring and mundane read on all of Diaryland... I have stuff that I want to write about, but I try and refrain because it seems like thats all I ever talk about. And while I dont have a ton of readers I'd like to keep the ones that I do have without boring them to tears... Written on 2004-07-12 @ 11:44 a.m. |