|
Current Archives Private Misc. Contact Extra's Comment |
Wanna hear something weird?
When I was little I used to wish that I would grow up to be just like my dad. Not because he was such a great father or did anything admirable... no that wasnt him even in the broadest prespective. But he had this knack for being emotionally unattached that I used to admire. It seemed like he had it perfect. There was nobody around yelling and screaming at him, nobody nagging him to do things. He went were he wanted to go and with whom he wanted to go with. He would come get me anytime he wanted and play with me until he got tired of me and then he would take me back home. There were no obligations to be had... he didnt have to wake up with me every night when I had my nightmares about someone breaking into our house and killing my mother and I. He didnt have to get up in the middle of the night and put me in a warm bath when I woke up with a stomachache due to my hernea. And he never had to search the entire house looking for my teddy bear because I thought that my 5 year old world would end if I didnt have him to sleep with. He just played with me when he wanted to and left the rest of the work up to everybody else. I used to think it must have been so nice to be able to be so unnattached. To have what you want, when you want it and when you decided that you were finished you could just walk away. You never felt guilty or emotional, it was a very cut and dry thing. You played now your tired and you leave... come to think of it my entire life seems to be like that. Everyone with the exception of my grandfather my mother and karen has come into my life for brief periods of time. They all stay around until I serve a purpose or they just plain get tired of dealing with me. And then they walk away, unnattached unemotional and free. Sometimes they would offer up some mild excuse but more often than not they just dropped me off one night and never came back. I wonder which list Joe will end up on. Sometimes I wonder if he's really someone I'll wake up to every single morning, or if he just hasnt gotten tired of playing yet... Wanna hear something even weirder? I thought of that while I was laying in my bed tonight trying to go to sleep, and the odd thing is that at 2 a.m. i actually got back up to write it in here... Written on 2004-07-19 @ 12:39 a.m. |