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Only 3 days away from moving to Lufkin... I just now started packing all of my things today and I think that I made some decent headway. My room looks like an absolute disaster but at least I can look forward to unpacking it all in my new apartment. I think that I've finally got everything bought. I imagine we are going to make a run to walmart once we get settled in and start thinking of some of the things that we missed. Luckily enough I live within eyesight of one so its not far to travel.
Today I called and got everything scheduled to be turned on. I got confirmation numbers on all the utilities and even got my new home phone number. Suddenly it all seems very real. I cant tell if that scares the hell out of me, or excites me. I think its a little of both. Its been a little over a week since the whole thing with Joe happened. A week yesterday actually, which ironically enough would have marked 9 months since we started dating (I'm not the kind of person who actually celebrates the whole dating anniversary thing, but I do make note of the date even if its just in my head). And whats really funny is that he's called me more often since we've been broken up than he did when we were still together. Since then I've been on 2 dates with delivery man, and gone out with my friends 2 or 3 times. I'm actually trying to keep busy so that it doesnt seem like I'm this pathetic co-dependent brat who cant survive when my boyfriend leaves me. Although in trying to avoid that I'm sure I just look like the exact same thing only running from it all. I really want this to work more than anything. (as if you couldnt tell) But I'm really questioning my ability to do this. 2 months ago he was telling my mother that he was going to ask me to marry him around my birthday or christmas. He told her how much he cared for me and wanted to be a part of our family and that this 'was it'. And now he's suddenly decided that he wants to back up and go back to just dating? I dont know when or even if his feelings changed for me... the last time I saw him we were laying in the living room floor cuddling and watching big fish and when I asked him if he loved me he replied yes without a moments hesitation. I think that he just got too serious and it scared him. And partly that he realized how much of a jerk he was being and knows that he's not in a position to change it anytime soon. I'm hoping against hope that when I get down there we will start "dating" for a while, and then when he comes back from waco in October he will be in a better position and more ready to have a serious relationship. If things dont seem to be going anywhere then I'm going to ask him if his feelings changed. and if he can honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that he isnt in love with me anymore then I'm going to tell him that its best for both of us if he just walks away... I wont be in a relationship where I'm the only one investing feelings, I dont mind risking it every once in a while but if I know that I'm just going to get burned I'd be an idiot to sit back and let it happen. Just so that I could go on a few more dates with him. I just dont think that I can handle it anymore. He calls me like nothing is wrong and it takes every bit of willpower that I have not to turn into a blubbering idiot and tell him how much I love him. And when we finally do finish talking I'm so near tears that I've got this huge lump in my throat that takes me an hour to swallow down. I just dont see a point in torturing myself if I already know that its not going to go anywhere. Written on 2004-08-03 @ 11:09 p.m. |