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He doesnt think that I can make it. He says that I'm just being "calm" right now, but that I'll soon freak out... Naturally as the case always seems to be with me I'm torn between what to do. So in appropriate diary style I'll write out both scenarios in an attempt to make sense out of some of the crap going on in my head. ______________ A: I can tell him what I'm really thinking. That this is never going to work, that I cant just go from having a 9 month relationship to "just dating". I could tell him the truth, that even though I want this to work out more than I've ever wanted anything before, what I dont want is to be anybody's fall-back girl. He gets to go out and do whatever the hell he wants to because he knows that I'm going to be right here waiting for him no matter what. He gets all the benefits of having a girlfriend without having to do any work or make a commitment. B: Or I can just keep my mouth shut and live my life. Sue's got a friend at work that wants to go on a date with me, so she's supposed to be bringing him to the apartment soon, or giving him my number or something. So one option is to keep talking to him, just so that he realizes that I'm getting on with my life. ______________ So I can either tell him exactly whats on my mind and show him the way to the door. Letting him know that when and if he realizes that he screwed up and wants to get back together he can give me a call, and that I may or may not still be here. But the chances of me still sitting there when he finally gets his head straight are growing slim. Or I can just let him gradually see me pull away from him. Not answer when he calls or be convieniently busy. Let him know that I'm dating so that he realizes that he's not the only guy in the entire world that will have me. I dont want to be alone... but I dont want to be taken for granted either. And I'd be willing to double my pain, if it means he actually has to face an emotion no matter how small. ______________ I've never wanted anything to work as badly is this. But I'm so tired of being the only one thats willing to try, and being the only one investing any kind of emotions into this whole thing. Despite what he and everyone else seems to think, I am now and will continue to be just fine. I want nothing more than to be able to work back to what I had with him, but I also have enough respect for myself to realize that I do not have "welcome" tattooed on my forehead and I was not put on this earth to be his or anybody elses doormat. He told me when we split up that he didnt want me to turn my back on him, but thats exactly what he's headed for and I can only hope that there comes a day when he looks around and realizes what he had. If ever there comes a day when he gets himself together and figures out what he needs to, then I really do hope that he can call and we can work it all out. But I wont sit around waiting on it being hi s girlfriend when its convienient for him. By taking his break he takes a major risk that I might not be here when he realizes what it is that he wants and what he had. And then he'll find himself alone with nothing but a bucket full of regrets and a few memories. He puts so much time and effort into running from any emotion that even threatens to knock at his door that he's alienating every single person that cares about him. There was a time when I thought this would work forever. but there's also a point where i have to say that I've done nothing but try my best and it just wasnt good enough, and i'm tired of beating myself up over it and breaking my own back trying to make a two sided relationship work all by myself. << ~ >> Written on 2004-08-13 @ 12:38 a.m.

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