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He came over last night... (see the 2 locked entries before this for some references. Those of you who dont have the password contact me for it.
I rented some movies and set out the candles to ensure some much needed/wanted cuddle time when the lights went out. He sat on the couch and about 5 minutes after the movie started the candles worked their magic and we were holding hands and cuddling for hours. After the movies finished we turned out the lights and proceeded to cuddle and kiss for another hour or so. It was exactly as it always was with us fooling around with a few extra unexepected perks. (see locked entry for details of the night) I actually got some kisses this time. No open mouthed toungue ones or anything but lots and lots of those slow sweet close mouthed kisses that I always liked so much. It felt so amazing being there with him. He was so warm and comfortable. It never ceases to amaze me how comfortable and safe I feel with him. I can be dressed up or have pajama pants and a sweatshirt on and I still feel like I'm something special and pretty in his eyes. Even when we are fooling around or trying to have sex I dont feel like I'm just a sex object. With bam he would make me feel great until it actually came time to have sex and then suddenly i felt as if i was simply there for his pleasure and nothing more than a piece of ass. I've never felt that way with Joe. Anytime we've done anything he's held me close and always made me feel like I was something special. I know how other people feel about us. There is a 10 year age difference and to many people that spells out disaster. I've heard all of the arguments and believe me I've come up with quite a few myself. And there have been so many times when I've wanted to throw my hands up and just tell him to leave me alone forever so that I can save myself the heartache later on. But then I see him and everything changes. No matter how mad I am at him I never cease to melt when he pulls me into his arms and just holds me, or when he stares at me across the room even when someone is standing in from of him talking, or even on the rare occassions when he looks at me and tells me how special i am to him and how much i mean to him. My whole life I've been a sex object to someone. I've been lied to and decieved while being promised the world and ending up with a hand full of tears. For once I've found a guy that doesnt make me feel like I'm nothing. He makes me feel like I mean something even if only to him. I'll never forget the way he looked at me once and told me that I gave him a purpose in life and something to live for... I've never heard a line that corny and been able to believe it, but just looking in his eyes and feeling the way he held me when he said it told me that it was true. Even when things are going awful and I dont know how i'll get up and go on the next day he can walk up next to me and take my hand in his and I feel like theres some hope for my future. Being with him makes me feel like I'm whole, not some broken used up girl that everybody played with and threw out... My biggest fear is walking away from this and spending the rest of my life never feeling again the way I feel when I'm with him. Thats a risk I cant allow myself to take. I refuse to be 80 years old and wonder what might have been if I'd chosen not to listen to everybody else and gone with what my heart told me to do. If I'm sentencing myself to heartache in the future then I guess I'll have to deal with that when it comes. And that gives me all the more incentive to enjoy and treasure every single second I have with him now because I'll never know if its going to end one day. But I do know that i'll never regret anything that has or will happen with Joe. Even if it turns out that everyone else is right and we are doomed to fail. I will go to my grave knowing that I've been loved and I was loved back even if only for a little while. Written on 2004-09-12 @ 8:25 p.m. |