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Sometimes I end up so confused... One minute it looks like things are going fantastic and the next I'm wondering what the hell happened.
The other day he told me that he loved me for the first time, he didnt look at me out of the blue and profess his love or anything, but when I told him that I loved him he replied with I love you too instead of the usual I knows, or the more recent me too's. But then when I call or something its like I'm more of a nuisance than anything else. He wants to talk to me on his terms, usually me calling him results in him hitting the ignore button and calling me back when he gets the time or feels like talking to me. I can understand that he wants his space sometimes and I try to give that to him, but I dont like being "cleared" all the time either. I guess that I need to stop calling and just let him call me when he wants to talk. Of course it wont take but a few days of that before he realizes that I'm upset about something and he will suck up to me in an attempt to make up. Its like he has a sensor that alerts him when he's pushing the line and he immediately switches gears and does something really sweet that he knows I like in an attempt to smooth out the waters. This is usually one of those small attempts that I'm supposed to read into rather than him just apologizing. For example: turning of the television and rolling over to cuddle with me in silence for 15 minutes or so = I know your borderline pissed so I'll show that I care about you by doing something that I know that you like. I'm really glad I got to see you tonight = I'm sorry that I was an ass and you do mean something to me. It would be so much better if he would just say 'hey, i'm a dick and i'm sorry and I'll try and do better'. I'm sure that I'm being overly sensitive and stubborn about all of this and that I should just give him the space that he's obviouslly seeking when he clears me. But on the same hand its not like i'm asking him for a lot, he doesnt have to indulge me in an hour long conversation or anything, if he's busy he can just say 'hey i'm busy can i call you back later' this results in a lot less of a pissed off girlfriend. Like tonight for example, I've called twice with a valid reason. I'm going to clean his trailer tomorrow and he told me he needed some stuff but hasnt given me a list yet, and seeing as how he was leaving town tonight for Rosebud I wanted to call and get a list so that I could go to the store. He was on a 3 hour drive all by himself with perfect cell signal but he couldnt answer my call to give me the answer to a question that benefits him more than me. I had to hear from his mother when she called to tell me what time to meet her tomorrow that he made it safely at around 8 and was going in to bed. Its the little shit like that that ends up hurting my feelings. I'd much rather him say 'hey i've had a shitty day and i dont really want to be around anyone at all right now' rather than "clear" me and leave me wondering what the hell I did. I'm sure that most of this is just because I'm fixing to start my period and I'm turning into an emotional puddle of mush. I have a pissed off ovary and a depressed one, they alternate ovulation cycles as do my mood swings. Obviouslly depressed is showing her ass this week and allowing the little things that normally roll of my back to instead send me sitting on my living room floor crying or getting pissed off and going over to a friends to indulge in 3 frozen margarita's as depressed medicine. I'm sure that you all wanted to read about all of this didnt you? Written on 2004-10-23 @ 1:33 a.m. |