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I know its been a really long time since I updated, sorry for that whole thing. I just havent really felt like doing much of anything.
Joe entered one of his funks again after his birthday last week. He's not a man of many words and so he never really tells his feelings to anyone, but apparently he's unhappy with himself and has realized that he hasnt met the expectations he's set for himself. At any rate he said that he felt like we were looking for something out of life that we cant give eachother or some kind of cop out line such as that. I'm upset, but at the same time I feel like this is just like the last time. Every time he gets close to being too serious he freaks out, he did it last time when I was moving down here and he realized that he was going to have to get more serious. And a few days before he entered his funk I fainted while talking with him and he had to carry me up the stairs and back to the apartment. It scared the hell out of me and I let him know that I was a little late on my period and hadnt felt well and then the passing out made me wonder if i wasnt pregnant. We took a test, it came out negative, and we laid around on the couch for a few hours. And a few days later he went into his depressed funk and broke up with me when he got back in town on sunday. So part of me feels like he just needs some time to figure himself out because i'm sure that the pregnancy thing made him think about the future etc. Even if we dont get back together though I just want him to be happy. With himself and with everything else around him, even if its not with me. And should he decide after a while of thinking that I am something that he's looking for and I'm available then I'll go for it again after some thought and long conversations. But I can also say that I'm not sitting idly by waiting on him to figure himself out either. I've gone out to the club twice and am heading back out later on tonight, I've met three guys and gone on a few dates and have just enjoyed the time. i dont really like any of them much, there is really only one that i'd ever even consider dating but we've talked and neither of us actually see the relationship progressing to anything long-term. But they should all three prove nice distractions at least for a while, at the worst they get me out of the house and away from crying over Joe all of the time. Written on 2004-12-03 @ 3:28 p.m. |