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I've had him somewhere in my life since I was 15 years old... 3 1/2 years later he's gone and i'm supposed to be fine with that.
I dont recognize my own life without him in it... I hear about him every single day, I can tell you that right now he's in Rosebud and is going to take a cow to the butcher in the morning, the other day he took his dog to the groomer and went deer hunting, only to come home to find that his water heater broke and there was water all over his kitchen. I know about the jokes he shared with our friend the other night while they watched national lampoon's christmas and the train derailed from the tree and took off across the living room. What kills me is that I cant tell you that I heard it from him. I had to hear it by accident while I was sitting in the kitchen and someone just happened to be talking about him. I havent picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other end of the line in over two weeks, and I havent seen or touched him in almost three. I havent been in the other room and heard him come into the apartment laughing at me because I forgot to get my keys out of the lock again, and he hasnt forced me to watch his favorite comedy dvd for the 100th time even though he can recite every punch line to every joke. I dont recognize my life anymore, I dont even recognize myself... I go out to the bar two or three times a week. I crack jokes with my friends, and dance with all of these cowboys who spin me in circles and tell me that I'm pretty. I've even spent time with a few guys that were interested in me. But I pick the guys that could never stand a chance in my life. Daniel has nothing in common with me whatsoever and went home with two girls from the club just because I talked to someone else. Judd let me in on the secret that he's actually 30 years old and he only wants a sexual relationship. And Jarod is a nice guy but while it might be vain, I just cant get past the fact that he doesnt have any teeth. These guys dont stand a chance, even if I was to pursue something with them I would be tired of them and shut them out of my life comepletely within the month. I dont know what the hell I'm doing anymore... I just know that it feels so alien for me not to be able to pick up the phone and ask him how his day went, or hear him say that he loves me. I dont know how to put the pieces back together again. And it kills me to think that even if i tried, there would be so many holes to be filled where his pieces once were... I dont want to put the pieces back together again, I dont want to start over with new pieces just when i figured out how to make the old puzzle fit together. I dont know how to do anything but function out of pure habit. I go through daily routines and work and interact with friends because its what i've done every day for so long. but its almost like i'm an outsider looking in at it all and wondering "is this really my life now???" Written on 2004-12-12 @ 10:56 p.m. |