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There are some days when I really feel like I have a flashing neon sign on my forehead that screams "Use Me"...
For whatever reason be it school work or just plain responsibility in the eyes of my parents I was one of the blessed kids who was allowed both a license and a car on my 16th birthday. This is a common thing for most teenagers, yet I have a few friends who werent blessed with that luxery. And for some reason which still remains unknown to me the responsiblity of getting them from point A to B falls in my lap. Now normally I dont complain too much, I take it in stride maintaining the opinion that if the shoe was on the other foot I'd hope that they would do the same for me. But some days more than others it really gets under my skin. Not because I'm called on to do the job but because it seems like the efforts go un-noticed. I know that may sound selfish but if I'm going out of my way to make sure that someone is at a certain place on time or gets there at all I really dont feel like it's such a big deal for me to expect a little bit of appreciation for it. And the thing that bothers me enough about the whole situation is that these friends are using "hanging out" as an excuse to get a ride. hey you wanna go out tonight? sure that sounds good, great! pick me up from work at 10 and we'll go out and have fun! Case In Point: This was an actual conversation between me and a friend earlier today. Her: hey girl whats up? Me: not much, arent you at school? Her: yeah, just got some free time and thought that I'd call. Me: okay. Her: Are you coming over today? Me: I wasnt exactly planning on it. Her: Do you wanna? Me: yeah I guess I'll stop by there when I get a chance after I finish my stuff. Her: awesome, since your coming over anyway can you pick me up from school so I dont have to walk in the rain? You know you love me... Me: you live a block away from the school... Her: I know but it's raining. Me: No it isnt, it's stopped. Her: yeah but it's still wet. Me: well I might not be able to finish all my things before then, I've got 3 tests tomarrow that I need to study for. Her: please? you love me... Me: yeah I guess... So I get out in the rain, in a car that I dont know, fighting traffic to get to a place I just came from 2 hours ago and dont really want to get back, just to pick her up, and fight traffic and rain again to drop her off at the house safe and sound while she gets out of the car without so much as a "thanks for the ride." thanks a lot... I feel so helpful. Now dont get me wrong I really want to be able to tell these people no, I want to be able to stand tall as my own independent person etc. But I just cant seem to do that... Because I feel like I'm priveledged to have what I have and they arent so lucky, and I feel like they need something from someone that I'm capable (even if not always too willing) of providing and that by not doing so that makes me a bad person. Joe is constantly telling me not to change for him or anyone else, to be myself at all costs even if everyone doesnt always agree with it. And in my heart I know that he's right... But I want to help people, I want to make a difference, I want to be someone everyone can turn to when they need me. But sometimes I just feel like I'm used more than appreciated, taken advantage of more than cherished and damnit sometimes I just want a little bit of respect! Written on 02/09/2004 @ 3:10 p.m. |