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Well its Wednsday and Oak Forest called me a few minutes ago. It appears that while I was apparently her 2nd favorite interview a girl came in after me that had a degree and she was hired since she was more qualified.
She said that she wished I would have applied sooner and I'd have already been hired. But this girl is only working during the summer, she'll leave in august to start working on her masters. So they want me to come back in August and she said that she would probably hire me then. I have my application in as a floater at one school that I applied to back in Janurary I think. The one that hired me and then fired me when I went to start working because I was too young. Apparently they can hire me at 17 as a floater so I've got a call into them to see if they are still looking for someone, even though it wasnt my favorite place to be. So yeah that really sucks, and then on top of that I went and toured the Kilgore campus and got my registration stuff so that I could apply. And I absolutely hated it... The girl couldnt answer any of my questions about the scheduling, classes or prices. And she flat out told me that I needed to stay a step ahead as far as classes go because the counselors werent very educated and they would try and screw me into taking classes that I didnt need that wouldnt transfer over to a university when I was ready. Gee way to sell the school. But aside from driving 30 something minutes to school every day, thats my only option... I absolutely hate this. I dont like longview, i cant get a job that i want, and i dont like the school choices. And to top it all off the new birth control i started taking made me start about a week early and I've gone from my normal hardly noticable almost non-existent periods to a whopping knock me flat on my ass curled in a fetal position monster. I feel like I'm trapped, stuck doing everything that I dont want to do just so that I can make other people happy. I take one or two tentative steps forward only to get shoved a few feet backwards. And I cant talk to Joe about it. He is so stressed with everything else I know that he would only worry about it all and he doesnt need the added stress. And I know that he really wants me to stay here for a while longer, but he's not going to force me to be unhappy either. And he's already told me that if i moved there he'd want to be there all the time and since he refuses to live with someone until he's married and that he would want to see me so much that he'd practically live there anyway. So we'd end up making a decision that we arent ready to make and end up in divorce court within the month because he just cant handle a marriage right now. I'm not asking him to marry me... I just want to be happy. Closer to my friends, at a school that I liked, closer to him. He wouldnt have to be there all the time, i'd be alright by myself. But of course he doesnt think that, he would feel bad and obligated to be there as much as possible so that I dont have to be alone. So I end up staying here where I dont really want to be just because I know that he doesnt need the added stress or anything else of having me there. I just keep thinking that maybe its only temporary, that maybe just maybe my parents will decide to move down there and I wont have to stay in this hellhole, or that maybe it will only be for a few months and things will calm down for Joe and he will suddenly decide that he wants me to be up there with him. I know that I'm probably making more of a mess out of this than I really need to be. But i Just feel like i'm trapped with no way out and worse, with nobody to talk to about it. Written on 2004-06-09 @ 2:32 p.m. |