|
Current Archives Private Misc. Contact Extra's Comment |
Does anyone else ever have those days that the past seems to come back to haunt you? I cant stop thinking about Bam... I know that many of you are readers from the old diary so you all know who he is, and even though I told myself when I started this diary that I was not going to talk about him I figure that he's on my mind so I need to...
For those of you who may not know who he is I'll give a short rundown of the story. I met him in November 2002 shortly after my 16th birthday. Apparently it was supposed to be a "strictly-sex" relationship, but ultimately he became interested in me and we pretty much saw eachother for a year. Throughout the year we got pretty attached to eachother, and while he still adamantly maintained that we were "just sex" I found myself growing more and more attached to him. I finally told him in May 2003 that I had real feelings for him, he responded by telling me that throughout the 6 months that we had been sleeping together he had gone through 2 girlfriends and was currently dating girlfriend number 3 and he had plans of moving in with her. To make a long story even longer for some reason I'll probably never understand I still saw him. I guess it can all be chalked up to foolishness and my huge fear of being alone and my reluctance to let go of something that at the time I held very close to me. We finally ended it in November '03 when Joe started showing an interest and decided to finally date me. Naturally like all guys in my life seem to do, the second I was ready to leave he decided to see me , cuddle with me and profess his love for me on a daily basis. Basically he's doing everything I've ever wanted him to do for the past year, only problem is it's just too little too late. I've managed to get over him for the most part, I realize that what I have with Joe surpasses anything that I could even imagine having with bam, and yet I still cant seem to get him completely out of my mind. I know that we never would have worked and to be honest its for the best that we did split up and we should have split long before we did... But something in me just cant let go all the way. I gave this man a year of my life, opened up my heart mind and body to him. I've grown so much from the relationship and he's taught me so much about love pain and life in general. I guess I'm scared to let go, afraid that I'll forget him, and to be honest afraid that he'd forget me... I never thought that it would be this hard, never thought that I'd actually have to fight to keep his memory down, and no matter how hard I try to push him to the back of my mind something happens and before I realize it he's at the forefront again. When I'm with Joe I dont even think of him. The only thing I can think of is how happy and content I am, but he isnt here all the time, he doesnt call me every day and let me know how he feels so I end up having time to myself and end up thinking about bam. And of course then I feel like crap because here is this amazing boyfriend that i've wanted and fought so hard for for the past 2 years of my life and it seems like I cant get over bam who was apparently "just sex". Is it bad that I cant forget him? Part of me thinks that since I'm with Joe now I should completely forget about him, put him out of my mind entirely and never think about it again. But how do you forget the past year of your life? how do you put something away when it's had so much impact on you? how can I completely forger someone who has made me who I am and taught me so much??? I dont even know if I'm supposed to forget him. Part of me thinks that it's alright to still think about him. Everyone has a past, everyone has someone that they cant forget. So when you get in a relationship with someone you know that you accept them for who they are and that includes their past and you'll never be able to totally block that person from their memory even if your absolutely the perfect person for them. (did that make any sense what-so-ever?) I truly believe all of these things, so why do I feel so damn guilty?! I'm happy, truly and honestly content and I could never ask for more, yet for some reason I cant shake the memory of him... and honestly dont want to, i dont want to forget the way he made me feel sometimes or the things we did. But I dont want to lose Joe over it either.... and of course I feel like even more shit mainly because Joe will be here in like 20 minutes and all i can do is sit here adn cry/think about bam... and of course as soon as I see him all of these thoughts will be erased from my mind for the next 24 hours... what kind of person am i? someone please help! Written on 2004-01-10 @ 2:22 p.m. |