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Morning glories,
How is everyone's day going? I hope good. if not please let me make your day a little bit brighter by pointing out the fact that I'd completely forgotten. It's finally friday! I dont know how in the world I managed to forget that but I did. So I just thought that I'd throw that out there just in case I wasnt the only one who forgot. I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately, when I got right down and counted out Joe is only my fourth real relationship. I've "talked" to other guys before but it never really went anywhere. Of course I was thinking about why so many of these relationships failed as well. I used to think that there was really something wrong with me. That the things I went through as a child had ruined me emotionaly and I would never really be able to have a real relationship, or at least not one that even amounted to anything mainly because I was damaged goods and no one woul want me or I wasnt worth it. When I look back on the relationships I've been through I have always assumed that they ended because of something that I did. Not a situation exactly just something about me emotionally. So I made a list of all the boyfriends I've had and what has been the cause of the relationships demise. Lance: November, freshman year, I had just turned 14 and he had just turned 19. This relationship lasted a whole 3 weeks. The main reason for the breakup was that he got too serious too quickly, not to mention the fact that I wasnt physically attracted to him anymore. He would bring me flowers every day, while this was sweet the first time or two it quickly got on my nerves. Then he wanted to be with me every waking moment, again sweet for a few days then I got tired of having to live life with him stuck up my butt. And of course the final straw was when he began talking about moving to SFA with me and renting an apartment. No 14 year old kid wants to think about that! So naturally I ended it, he was probably the hardest one to ever get rid of, seriously sat in my front yard in the snow and cried for an hour and wrote "I love Ann-Marie" in the street for the world to see. ~shudder~ Albert: October, sophomore year, I was barely 15 he was 17. This one started out being my best friend, we talked for about 3 months and dated for one month and two days. This relationship ended mainly because he said "I love you" too quckly for me, and I went to Dibol and saw Joe again and realized that I still had feelings for him. So doing the right thing I came home and told Albert the truth and told him that I couldnt date him knowing I was interested in Joe. BAM:November, junior year, I was barely 16, we wont go there on his age... This was one of the relationships that started out being "just sex" and steadily escalated from there. We saw eachother for a little over a year, and things really did go well for a while. We finally split up when Joe asked me out. I still talk to him every once in a while but it's been a while. Joe: November, senior year, I'm barely 17, he's barely 27. We've been dating a month and are still going strong. The one I've wanted forever, the only one I've ever been able to imagine myself with in the future... The only one who makes me feel whole anymore. I can only hope that this lasts, dear god I hope it lasts... I want this one to last. I'm tired of the relationships that dont go anywhere, tired of the pain and the hurt. Does anyone else find it odd that I get a new boyfriend around the same time every year? just about every november since freshman year there is a new one... dont know if thats a good pattern or not but hopefully I dont have to worry about it anymore. I just hope that all the other relationships were just flukes. Just me trying to find myself and what I wanted and that it's not really a sign that I'm emotionally scared and unloveable... Written on 2003-12-12 @ 11:13 a.m. |