|
Current Archives Private Misc. Contact Extra's Comment |
Bam called me tonight from Maryland...
Is it bad that I miss him? I heard his voice and for just a second it was like the old times. He comforted me and talked to me, told me how much he missed me. Everything I always wanted to hear for so long... Yet my mind and heart were screaming out no! I'm with Joe and I'm finally happy despite all the heartache and tears Bam might have caused me. I used to think that I knew what happiness was and that I'd found it, and then I got with Joe and realized how wrong I really was. When we sit on the couch to watch a movie he lays down and puts his head in my lap and usually falls into a light peaceful sleep. He's never touched me simply because he doesnt want to disrespect me in any way and make me feel like thats what he wants. When he kisses me its not a slobbery forceful make out session which lasts just long enough to satisfy my emotional side before having sex. He actually kisses me with feeling, like he cares, and we sit and make out for over an hour at a time without ever taking it any further. Even though he knows that I want to sleep with him and my mother let us spend the night together alone he refused to spend that night with me but slept in the guest room instead simply because he didnt want to disrespect my mother or her trust in any way. that my friends is happiness, and I can honestly say that I've found it and never intend on letting it go. With all of that in mind it should be so easy to let Bam go... I should be able to yell and scream at him, tell him all the ways he ever hurt me and made me feel useless and like I was worth nothing than a 2 dollar whore who was there simply for his sexual benefit and nothing else. Yet its still hard for me to say goodbye. I feel awful, here I've found such happiness and its as if my past haunts me. He's gone but not truly gone. He lives in my mind even though not in my heart. Even the thousands of miles that were put between us and he still cant seem to let go. And everytime that he calls I still feel sorry for him and talk even if only for a minute to ease his lonliness and pain. Because I dont want to see him unhappy like he is. Yet that 2 or 3 minute conversation gives me hours of pain just because I think of him and what an awful girlfriend I am simply for taking the phone call and not yelling at him to leave me the hell alone... I'm happy with Joe, I know that I am. He is the only person I've not grown tired of, the only person I could ever picture my future without. But that future has to be one without Bam. Written on 2004-03-19 @ 11:15 p.m. |