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Confusion, hurt, and slightly pissed off, I guess thats how I feel right now. Bam came to see me this afternoon. It's his last week in town before he moves up to Maryland and he wanted to come see me one last time.
I wouldnt let him in the house because I knew that if I let him in that he would try and sleep with me and that was a situation that I refused to put myself into. So we sat on the front porch and talked for about 45 minutes. It was a long conversation covering lots of stuff but I'll give off the highlights. He basically said that he had never fallen in love with me, and regretted the fact that he had ever said it to begin with. He said that he didnt really know what he was thinking and that at the time it sounded like what he needed to say or what I needed to hear. He admitted that it wasnt always just sex, but that most of the time it was and that the rest of the time it wasnt that he actually liked me just that he enjoyed my company and it kept him from being so lonely. Then the rat bastard actually asked me if he could hold me just one last time before he leaves. Then after telling me that the last year of my life was just a facade and that he never really cared, he told me that he already had plans to come back in May to watch me graduate. in short, Yeah that makes a whole lot of sense. I've since calmed down but I was highly upset when this origionally happened. I was with this man for over a year, fell for him and gave him all of me. I sat there laying in his arms telling him stories about my childhood that nobody else ever knew before, and all of a sudden none of that means anything? I'm sorry that you made the wrong decision, I'm sorry that I'm happy with someone that I know I'll spend the rest of my life with while you dread going home to your girlfriend every single day. And I'm so sorry that you made the wrong decision and I made the perfect one...the fact that you are unhappy has no affect on my life and my relationship with Joe And finally, I'm sorry that you feel that way about the last year, but I dont... I dont regret a minute of it, you helped me grow up and helped me find myself and learn how to overcome pain and heartache. So thank you, for making my life a little better, for making my relationship with Joe just a little bit stronger. I'm sorry that I couldnt do the same for you and her... Despite all the bitter feelings that I should harbor toward you I feel none. I wish you nothing but the best in your relationship and your life. I hope that you find even half of the happiness that I've managed to find. I'll never forget you nor would I ever want to, but I have to admit that I'm done... so so done... Written on 2004-02-23 @ 3:47 p.m. |