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Alright I havent been able to get on here and update because I really wanted to be able to think clearly and have it all sorted out in my head before I came on here with it. Mainly so that it would be a little less confusing, both to you my readers and myself.
Sunday afternoon I ran into Michael and he told me that they were having a fish fry and wanted to know if I wanted to stop by. I said yes and went and spent the day with him and his family. It was really nice, we all sat and talked a while, listened to old records and generally had a good time. Michael was a little flirty which is normally his personality so I didnt think a whole lot of it even though I did notice that it was a little more than normal and a little more direct. as opposed to the normally cryptic flirt messages that I pick up on. you all know the ones, where you hear them and they are so subtle you almost have to wonder if they were a pass at all. So anyway time passes and everyone left except for me and michael and 2 of the kids. We were sitting outside in the garage when he starts talking to me and said that if i was going to start visiting he felt we needed to discuss our feelings for eachother so that we could kind of clear the tension that was building. So we sat and talked it all out. recognized the fact that there was at one time and possibly still is a slight physical attraction, but that while the attraction is there thats all it is simply a physical desire and one that doesnt need to be acted on. I thought that the talk went really well and in my opinion we got a lot of things out of the way. A while later I was in the other room helping one of the kids on the computer and went down the hallway and happened to pass him. I slid to the other side so that we wouldnt run into eachother and he stops me to talk for a second and makes a comment about hoping that i dont feel weird etc. and then he gave me a hug and instead of pulling away and us both going our seperate ways he pulled away and kissed me. Not a long drawn out make-out session, there wasnt even anything to it. It was just one of those quick soft kisses, and then he kind of pulled back and looked at me. At the time I didnt even know what to say... I just kind of shook my head and slowly backed down the hallway and went to sit in the living room. A few minutes later he came out and asked me to walk outside and talk to him. He told me that normally he would apologize for the action but that he had to admit that he was not sorry, and that he felt like it was bound to happen and while he wasnt planning on it happening in that way it seemed right at the time. I went home pretty quickly after that. Now I feel like I've done something wrong. Like I put myself in the situation somehow even though I had no control over it. And after considering everything I feel bad for even having the slightest physical feelings for him. I mean I realize that you cant help who your physically or sexually attracted to. In my opinion the feelings arent wrong until you act on them. But I still feel like I've somehow screwed up... I dont know if I'm really angry at myself for having the feelings or at him for acting on them. I did tell Joe about it last night and he didnt seem to care at all. He just kind of got quiet for a minute and then said 'well I guess I need to get you a bottle of mace huh?' and that was the end of it. I wasnt expecting him to exactly fly off the handle but I guess I was expecting something a little more than that. But I guess I'm making more of this than really needs to be made. But for some reason that isnt really helping with the whole general awkwardness of the entire situation... Written on 2004-03-30 @ 12:07 p.m. |