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hmm last night was interesting... After talking to Joe I decided to go over to Tonya & Beth's for a little while. They are soon to be moving to Seattle and so I'm trying to spend as much time as possible over there. I helped them pack some and goofed around for a while, and then I stumbled on a box that Beth's Tarot cards were in. She used to do readings for a living and agreed to do a reading for me when I asked.
The reading was really cool and surprisingly on key. There were a few of the cards that really amazed me. Covering Me: The card that covered me was the death card. Meaning rebirth and the attempt to become a better person. Behind Me: This was perhaps the most amazing one, the card represented deciet, false love, and heartache. (can we say bam?) In Front Of Us: In front of me are 9 swords or obstacles that me and joe will have to overcome. It said that there would be obstacles but that we could look within ourselves for inner strength and come out stronger because of the adversity. My Fears: I pulled the 5 of swords showing my fears in the relationship. This is something that I really have to work on, the good part is that the woman had already laid two swords down and had one in hand to lay down and only 2 held close. So I really only have 2 main ones to work through, but if I dont work through them they could cause a problem that isnt really there. The Outcome: That some adjustments would have to be made but that we would overcome the adversity and be stronger because of it and be together and happy. So basically there are a lot of problems that we'll have to face but we'll be able to rely on eachother and pull through them and in the end we'll be together in something that lasts a life time. All in all I was pretty happy with the reading. The reading also brought back thoughts of my childhood. This was the part of the reading that wasnt so pleasant. My past plays a huge part in where I am and represents many of the 5 fears that I hold. Most people dont know about the things that happened to me when I was young. This is for a lot of reasons. One being that I dont remember 90% of it, and two being that I dont want to put myself out there and tell my story because so many people suffer through so much more than I did and I dont want to seem like I'm fishing for sympathy or anything. I've decided to write about it mainly in support of bek's new book. My memories from birth to about age 10 are foggy and remembered only in bits and pieces, and the memories that I have from 10-13 are all bad. My father divorced my mom when she was 3 months pregnant with me. He apparently wasnt as ready to be a father as he had thought he was. When I was born he was disappointed that I was a girl and therefore decided that I wasnt a very important part of his life. At the demand of his grandparents who decided that my mother was unfit because she was gay he tried to get custody of me. Anytime I was around them they would fill my head with lies about my mother and make me believe she was abusing me. We had cps at our house at all hours of the night etc. When he didnt win his case and the judge got fed up with putting me through turmoil he decided that I wasnt an important part of his life anymore. He eventually remarried and had another son who he adored, at the insistance of his new wife he began seeing me on occasions. I was about 5 at this point and was forced to go spend the weekend. They would put me and my brothers to bed at night and lock the door leaving me to care for the babies when they woke up in the middle of the night screaming. After my dad and step-mom split he still maintained visits on the weekend. But he would never feed me and would lock me in the bedroom for the entire weekend. I dont remember much of this at all, just my grandfather busting in the door and picking me up and taking me home. I finally moved to a town far away and didnt see my father anymore, but that did nothing for the pain that I felt at not having a father. For some reason I felt like it was mu fault that everything had happened to me. When it comes to relationships my mom is exactly like me. She gets too attached too quickly, and has a huge fear of being alone. This coupled with her notorious bad taste in women led for an interesting life. The first 2 roomates she had werent that bad. Mainly just the classic cases of them having children that could do no wrong and me getting blamed for everything even though I was always the little girl that sat in my room by myself playing and not wanting to be around anyone else. If I have any long lasting substantial emotional scaring from my childhood it came from girlfriend number 3. Judy absolutely hated me, she was with my mother for the money that we had and I was just a scrawny 10 year old problem that came as part of the package. But she moved in anyway expecting me to be easily gotten rid of. For the first 6 months she tried to talk me into moving in with my dad. She claimed this was best because all little girls needed their daddies etc. When that didnt work she decided to use my intelligence to her own advantage. At the time I was in a private school and had just scored off the charts on numerous tests. We had many of the best invitation only academies calling the house trying to get me to come to their school. Judy decided a boarding school in switzerland was an ideal place for my mother to send her 10 year old daughter. Again her attempts failed and she realized that she was stuck with me. Her next move was just to make my life as hard as possible. She resented me in many ways, mainly because I was very close with my mom and wanted/got a lot of her attention. This took attention away from Judy and that just wasnt acceptable. She soon learned that little 'ol me had a huge temper. I took a lot but when I reached a breaking point I would explode and scream and yell and on many occasions throw things. Judy loved this and would stand there and make me wash dishes with sos pads until my knuckles bled, she would make fun of me and try to make me feel inferior and stupid as often as possible. I could only take so much of this and it usually only took her about 20 minutes to get me to my breaking point. As soon as my mom heard the yelling she would come in with a checkbook and write Judy and $500 check and tell her to leave and stay gone all day long. Judy did this about once a week and my mom would just continuously dole out checks in attempts to keep the piece. After I turned 12 and my grandfather died my anger multiplied ten fold. Especially because Judy saw my love and devotion to my grandfather and my grief over his death a brand new and apparently quite fun way to make me blow up. During this time I also got really close with Judy's son TJ. He was 26 and married but looked on me as a sister. He would let me come spend weekends with them just so that I could get away and he would come pick me up during the day when I would call him crying. I got really close with him and he helped me in more ways than he will ever know. He also manipulated me, and somehow convinced my 12 year old mind that i needed to sleep with him, so i did thinking that if i didnt he wouldnt love me anymore and wouldnt save me from the hell i was living in.
Written on 2004-02-26 @ 12:06 p.m. |