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Lord I'm ready for it to stop raining, it's rained all week long and been gross and wet... Not only is it gross and wet but my car is in the shop, and they cant paint my car unless it stops raining because the paint will bubble etc. and be an overall bad experience... I called the guy today and it will be at least 2 weeks before it's finished if not 3 or 4. I want my car back damnit!
I went over to KT's tonight and sat talking to her for almost two hours. We talked about everything from our boyfriends to our lives to the weather, it was nice to be able to sit back and just talk like we used to back in the day. We talked a lot about what our life's used to be like and what we wanted and dreamed of even as little as a year ago, and how we've grown up and evolved so much since then... Last year was basically our year to "sow our wild oats". Having sex, driving around for hours, and just generally enjoying high school. Now we are both with the guys of our dreams, and are thinking more along the lines of moving in together, getting married and the names of kids... It's an odd transformation although definantly a good one. A lot of my growing up came from Bam. He taught me so much about love and life in general, he was the first guy that I could truly be "myself" with and it was nice. We could lay there for hours and just talk about everything, even if he really didnt care he always managed to seem so damn interested in everything that I had to say. And I think that I'm doing a lot of growing up with Joe too... Learning that I can be myself rather than trying to be what I think he wants. And I've learned how comfortable it can feel laying in his arms or holding his hand and I've learned that sex isnt everything, that you can have a perfectly normal and happy relationship without ever involving sex in any form. My experiences when I was younger helped me to grow up a lot faster than nature ever intended and that has a lot to do with how I am now as well. (more on that in a future entry) But I've really noticed a change in the last year from how I used to be. Now when I think of my future I think of it in terms of going to college, starting a job, getting married to a man that I'm desperately in love with and settling down in the country to live a peaceful and quiet life. I've always been sure of what I wanted out of life as far as settling down and raising a family in a small town but up until now I've never been able to see myself with anyone in particular. Now I cant imagine my future without Joe standing beside me through it all. Not that I'm complaining in the least. I've also kind of taken a step back and looked at all the group drama and realized that everyone pretty much started slipping away from eachother because me and kt and me getting boyfriends. Suddenly we were the only non-single girls in the entire group and it seemed that everyone just kind of pulled away from all that not agreeing with our choice in guys. It's sad that our friends have seen us both go through so much crap that you would expect them to be happy for us when we finally find someone who treats us good and makes us happy, but instead they make snide remarks behind our backs and pull themselves into their own group... But I'm happy with Joe and she's happy with D. so it doesnt matter anymore... Speaking of Joe, I'm kind of worried about him. He's been in a slump here lately concerning his job, and his brother is in the hospital and as far as I know they have yet to find the cause of the problems he's been having. They keep canceling and postponing all of the procedures that they are supposed to do, so now his brother has been in the hospital for a week with no kind of results. And I think he's feeling kind of put off by always being thought of last, he's the baby of the kids but seems like he's the last one thought of and while he pretends it doesnt bother him I heard a little bit of sadness in his voice when we talked about it earlier. He has been through a lot, and been burned so badly once by a girl that he never thought that he'd fully recover, and in all actuality he still hasnt. And he's scared that I'm going to leave him in a few years for a younger guy because I'm so young with so much of my life ahead of me and he's scared that I'll meet some young guy in college that has a future and can give me what I deserve. As if he doesnt realize that all I really want is him... I've always known what I wanted out of life, a simple husband with a small-town home and raising babies. And he's the only one thats actually been able to offer me that, he offers all that I've ever wanted and I cant beleive he doesnt know that. I dont know how to let him know that I have absolutely no intentions of ever leaving him, he's all I've ever dreamed of and so much more, I just hope that one day he can realize the extent of my feelings. Written on 02-11-2004 @ 10:53 p.m. |